“Stress-Proof your Kids”

 

Think anxiety is just for grown-ups?  Think again.  Children are feeling the pressure too.  15 ways to keep them calm, cool and collected.

 

by Karen Astrid Larson

 

Susan’s life was just a teeny bit busy.  The seven-year-old had swim team on Mondays and Wednesdays, rehearsals for the community ballet on Tuesdays and piano on Thursdays (with practice twice a week).  On the weekends, she would have a dash from soccer games to birthday parties to Brownie meetings and Sunday school.  And of course there was homework and school projects.

 

“That was just half of what Susan wanted to do,” says my friend Barbara, Susan’s mom.  “She seemed to love being on the go.”  Until the meltdown.  “One night I suggested she practice the piano, and she burst into tears.  That’s when I realized how overwhelmed she was.  I asked her if she wanted to drop the music lessons.  She was so relieved.”

 

“Kids are feeling a lot more stress than we think they are, and symptoms are showing up in younger and younger children,” says Georgia Witkin, Ph.D., author of KidStress (Viking).  “They are often overscheduled and have less free time to unwind.  And they aren’t learning how to take a break because they don’t see their harried parents relaxing.”

 

But stress isn’t all bad.  “A moderate amount actually improves performance, helping children do well on tests or in sports,” explains Jay Giedd, M.D., a child psychiatrist with the National Institutes of Health.  “Too much for too long, though, is damaging.”  It can slow growth and affect the immune system, and it has been linked to the rise in smoking, drinking and suicide among young people.

 

Are you stressed-out just knowing your kids are stressed?  Here’s how to help your children chill.

 

First, go easy on yourself

“Children are stressed by their parents’ stress,” says Witkin.  If you need an excuse to take a break, this is it!  Walk around the block, play a game with the kids or learn to meditate.

 

Ditch your addictions

Be careful how you relax.  Do you grab a cigarette, a drink or a bag of cookies to unwind?  Your kids are watching-and learning-from your unhealthy example.

 

Have tell-all time

“Kids need to know what’s going on,” says Megan Gunnar, a professor of child development at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis.  “Give them details about what’s happening in their lives.  My son was about to start kindergarten and asked, “Do rooms have numbers?”  I wasn’t sure what he meant, and then it dawned on me.  “Do you mean at school?”  I asked.  It turns out he was wondering how he would find his room.  I had forgotten to tell him that when he got off the bus there would be someone to show him where his room was”

 

Turn off the nightly news

Too much scary information can make anybody feel helpless and powerless.

 

Bring on a reality check

Fretful kids often misinterpret situations and draw dire conclusions that aren’t true, says Gillham.  “It’s called catastrophizing.  A child who fails a test, for example, may decide he’s stupid and will never do well.”  Help him see that there could be a lot of reasons-besides the state of his intellect-for the failure.  Ask, “Did you study for the exam?  Have you been doing the homework?  Was this test especially hard for the other kids too?  How have you done on past tests?”  Looking realistically at all the evidence helps a kid put the situation into perspective and empowers him to realize that the problem isn’t permanent,” says Gillham.

 

Make them jump and shout every day

“Exercise provides a natural high, releases muscle tension and sharpens mental powers,” says Bettie B. Youngs, Ph.D., author of Stress and Your Child (Fawcett Columbine).  Put movement on your family-values list right next to nice manners and good hygiene.

 

Teach smart talk

Life feels more manageable when you can ask for what you need.  When your child has a problem with another person, coach her in Gillham’s four-step technique.  Say your daughter wants her father to stop calling her Squirt.  Have her 1) Describe the problem in objective terms:  “Dad, you’re calling me Squirt a lot.”  2) Explain how it makes her feel:  “I feel embarrassed when you do that.”  3) Ask for a specific change: “I’d like you to stop calling me Squirt, especially in front of my friends.”  4) Tell how the change will make her feel:  “I’ll feel better.”

 

Let up on the accelerator

“Well-meaning parents sometimes put too much importance on the end result rather than the effort,” says Giedd.  “Instead of raving about an A on a test or a tennis-match win, say, ‘I know you really studied hard or practiced a lot for the tournament.’”

 

Go to bat for your kid

“Sometimes parents have to step in and resolve children’s stress-inducing problems at the source,” says Witkin.  “If your child is being victimized by a bully, for example, or is getting an overwhelming amount of homework, he needs you to do battle.”

 

Change the things you can

Kids who worry about global dangers like pollution will feel reassured if they can take some action-say, participate in a park cleanup-that is within their control.  Are they upset about a hurricane or bombing in another part of the world?  Help them make a donation-food, money-to help the distressed people.

 

Watch for divorce fallout

“Children need to be reassured again and again that there are two kinds of love and that the love between a child and parent never ends,” says Elkind.  Do your best to keep the tension level down between you and your ex.

 

Get the extra help you need

“If your child’s stress seems outside the normal range-for example, if he suffers from panic attacks or other anxiety disorders-he may benefit from medicines that affect brain chemistry,” says Giedd.  “Low doses of certain drugs can do wonders.”  To find an expert familiar with the latest treatments, ask your pediatrician or a school counselor.  Or call the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at 202-966-7300, or find it online at www.aacap.org.

 

READ THE SIGNS

 

•     Headaches or stomachaches           

•     Feeling shaky; sweaty palms           

•     Fatigue                                          

•     Insomnia                                        

•     Nausea; vomiting                            

•     Neck aches and backaches             

•     Frequent colds                               

•     Excessive or diminished hunger      

•     Moodiness; irritability

•     Social withdrawal; sulking

•     Picking on siblings

•     Regression; babylike behavior        

•     Refusing to go to school or daycare

•     Frequent daydreaming; trouble concentrating

•     Restlessness

•     Excessive whining or crying

•     Nail biting

•     Tantrums; Disorderly conduct

 

McCall’s Magazine, March, 2000